The Search for Xanxus's New Daddy
by strangertrack
Summary: The Varia come up with their most brilliant idea yet: find a new father figure for their beloved boss. What could be simpler?


**The Search for Xanxus's New Daddy**

To say that Xanxus had anger issues would be like saying Tsuna was seme-bait: a gross understatement. But there was one day a year where his rage peaked to such astronomical levels, there was no word that could even _begin_ to adequately describe his wrath. And today was that auspicious day.

It was Father's Day.

"Ushishishishi, Boss is really rampaging today," Bel cried with delight as he joined Mammon in the bomb shelter built specifically for this occasion. Mammon paused in his inventorying of the rations to shake his head balefully.

"Muu, doesn't he realize he's destroying _our_ castle? If the Ninth takes repair fees out of our paycheck, I'm going to sue for damages."

"A few months' pay is worth seeing the Boss in such splendid form. So cool~"

"Well said, Bel-chan~! Truer words have never before been spoken."

Lussuria staggered into the shelter with Levi's help, bleeding from multiple points in his body.

"What happened?"

"Boss overhead him say the f-word-" (the offensive word being 'father', of course) "-and shot him up."

"Kisses from his gun! I'll treasure these until the day I die~" Lussuria coughed up blood and traced his gloves through them to draw hearts with "bossu + watashi" inside.

"Shishishi, that day will be today if you don't remove the bullets and disinfect your wounds." Bel didn't look particularly concerned about the prospect.

"Never! These are souvenirs of his love!" Lussuria insisted with optimistic delusion, even as his face was turning to colors as interesting as his hair. "You're just jealous that he didn't shoot any of you."

"Squalo's still out there, trying to calm him down," Levi reported.

"Then he's even crazier than Lussuria," Mammon concluded.

"But not as crazy as me!" Bel objected.

"I don't think you're as crazy as you want us to believe, Bel. Or you wouldn't be hiding here with us."

There was a collective wince as an explosion rocked the shelter, followed by an ear-splitting "VOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIII! YOU FUCKING BASTARD, YOU SINGED MY HAAAAAIIIIIIIR!" that penetrated what should have been sound-proof walls.

"Poor Boss," Levi said loyally. "This wouldn't happen if the Ninth was a better father."

"He isn't Boss's father at all," Mammon reminded.

"My stepfather was a wonderful, doting man~" Lussuria contributed because it's not like being on his deathbed ever shut him up. "He would come into my bedroom every night after Mother passed out on sleeping pills and he'd ply me with love while I'd lie there quiet and still~ Just like a corpse, good little corpses don't struggle and yell~"

"!"

"A~~ahhhn, I miss my sexy childhood~"

"If we're comparing fathers, mine was by far the best! Because he was a king and not some lowly commoner!"

"...didn't you kill your father, Bel?" Mammon asked.

"Shishishi, yes. He was a good father but he had a rotten son~"

"Well, Boss isn't a rotten son. It's all the Ninth's fault," Levi persisted. "How dare he adopt Boss and treat him like his own son, knowing full well that he isn't. It's because he was so nice to him that Boss believed he would get to be the Tenth."

"Yes, what a wicked, wicked father~" Lussuria agreed. "If I hadn't accidentally killed stepdaddy in a game of role reversal, I'd definitely ask him to be Boss's substitute father for the day. Boss deserves a much better father than the Ninth."

"And if I could remember where I buried all of Father's body parts, I'd reassemble him for Boss," Bel added, not to be outdone.

"...I'm sensing a distinct lack of healthy father-son relationships inside the Varia," Mammon frowned, thinking of his own criminal mastermind father, whom he had turned in to the highest bidder once the bounty had gotten tempting enough. "Maybe we should look somewhere other than a den of amoral assassins for paternal models."

"Shishishi, I know just the person!" Bel ran out of the room, leaving the rest of Varia to twiddle their thumbs.

"Ufu~ Levi, dear, can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Let me call you daddy while you molest me? All this talk about daddies has made me horny."

"Muu... I'm... going to see if Bel needs help."

Mammon got out of there as fast as his little legs could carry him.

xxxxx

Tsuna stared, bug-eyed with disbelief.

"You want _what_?"

"We want to borrow one of your fathers to lend to Boss for the day," Mammon explained again. "If he had a better relationship with his new father, maybe the idea of a day dedicated to appreciating one's father wouldn't infuriate him so much."

"Shishishi, cough one up before we cut you up."

"Just try it, you freak," Gokudera growled, wielding his dynamites defensively.

"We don't want _your_ father. Your daddy issues makes Boss's look positively mild. But then, Boss was only adopted. He wasn't an illegitimate bastard son of some two-bit mafioso."

For a language of love, Italian certainly had a lot of curse words.

"Maa maa, Gokudera! I think it's great that they're trying to help their friend," Yamamoto laughed obliviously. "A father-son bond is really important!"

"Oh yeah. Yamamoto really gets along with his dad, doesn't he?" Tsuna commented.

"Yup! Hahaha, it's so great having someone you can talk to. It's like _dokkan_! And _bushuu_! And _oryaa_! That kind of feeling."

Gokudera smacked Yamamoto on the head. "Who can understand it when you explain it like that?" he demanded to know.

"I don't really get it, but I'm a little envious." Tsuna looked down at his folded hands wistfully. "My dad isn't around a lot, you know."

"Look what you did! You made the Tenth sad, you insensitive idiot!"

"Hahahaha! Don't worry, Tsuna!" Yamamoto slung his arm around Tsuna in a friendly manner. "I'll be your dad when he's not around!"

Gokudera sputtered, then shoved Yamamoto off. "If anyone's going to be his dad, it's his right hand man!"

"Oya oya. If Sawada Tsunayoshi is going to call anyone daddy, it'll be me. Come sit in my lap, my adorable Vongola," Mukuro entreated. "I'll show you the results of some interesting operations that my father performed on me."

"Hiiiieeee! Where did you come from?"

Mukuro didn't get a chance to answer. Hibari charged in and there was a clash of tonfas on trident.

"Bite you to death," Hibari bit out.

"Kufufufufufu... don't worry, Hibari Kyouya. You can take the mother position."

"Die die die die die."

"Hahaha, I just thought of something! If I was Tsuna's father, we'd live in the same house! We'd be like, brothers."

"Gyak! Don't think you can monopolize him, baseball idiot!"

"Reborn, do something!"

"It's good that your family's gotten closer, Tsuna."

"REBOOOOOORN!"

Bel and Mammon exchanged long looks that didn't involve their eyes meeting beneath hair and hood.

"And I thought the Varia was dysfunctional."

xxxxx

Bel stretched his arms and folded them behind his head. "It was a mistake asking the brats. Boss wouldn't accept a father who had any association with them anyway."

Mammon nodded in agreement. "Yes. The only one Boss would listen to was himself, anyway."

"Just like Mammon! You get right to the point!"

"Muu?"

"Who's the only person Boss respects?"

"?"

"Himself! Remember that cow brat with the 10-year-bazooka? If we could get the Boss from ten or twenty years later to come visit-"

"Then Boss could act as his own father," Mammon finished the thought. "You're a genius, Bel."

"Shishishi. Naturally."

The two went back into the house, and literally ran into Lambo. In a scenario that the audience could predict coming from miles away, the ten-year-bazooka sailed into the air, then gobbled up both Bel and Mammon.

_Poof._

"Ah, it's Bel-senpai from ten years before." A bored looking kid wearing a large frog hat crouched down and folded his arms over his knees.

"Who are you? I don't remember having an uncute kouhai like you."

"Mm... must be nice. I wish I could forget ever meeting a mean senpai like you." Fran shifted his weight. "So, what are you doing here, fake chibi prince?"

"Who's a fake prince, frog."

Fran leapt back but Bel turned the knives around and scored direct hits on Fran's back.

"Ouch. Your temper's as terrible as always, senpai," Fran frowned, reaching back to take out one of the knives and studying it with disinterest. "And your taste in strange weapons hasn't changed at all. Ne, Bel-senpai, don't you think a weapons upgrade is necessary to show how much stronger your character has gotten after all these years? Like, a giant sword that devours the life energy of every victim is slays?"

Fran easily bent the knife and let it clatter to the floor, took another knife out of his back, and did the same.

"!"

"Ah, you're angry. I hope your memory is as bad as your brain, or I'll be in trouble when your current self returns."

"Shishishi, why wait. I'll kill you right now, frog."

"Joke, it was just a joke, Bel-senpai." Fran backed up, his hands held out disarmingly in front of him.

_Poof._

Time was up.

"So did you find anything, Bel?" Mammon asked, dusting himself off.

"Just an annoying pest I need to kill. Shishishi. Good thing I have ten years to think of the perfect way."

"Figures you'd be giving in to bloodlust instead of thinking of the mission," Mammon said, annoyed.

"And you, you miserable midget?" Bel snapped. "I bet you didn't find anyone for Boss, either."

"I'll have you know I found the perfect father for Boss," Mammon said smugly, patting the empty air around him which was apparently an illusion. "My future self was in a base that belongs to the some family called Millefiore."

"Millefiore? Never heard of them."

"Neither have I. Apparently they're a new group. But I think Boss will be pleased with my gift." Mammon rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Maybe pleased enough to give me a bonus."

xxxxx

The Varia cautiously approached Xanxus but stopped a good distance away. Not far enough to dodge a speeding bullet, but far enough to duck flying furniture.

"For you, Boss."

Mammon unveiled the illusion and the Varia waited with bated breath.

"...where did you find this trash, trash?"

"In the future."

Xanxus crunched over broken glass and studied the new figure. The new figure stared back unemotionally.

"At least it's better than you bunch of trash."

The Varia let out a collective breath of relief as Xanxus stopped destroying things and strolled toward the basement in search of booze. That was the happiest they'd seen Xanxus all day.

"Shishishi, royalty fit for the Boss!"

"Such a fabulously cold, unmoving body~" Lussuria marvelled.

"Boss always did rely on Gola Mosca," Levi admitted with a twinge of envy.

"King Mosca's the most advanced model in his line," Mammon tapped the metal body. "He has room inside to stuff the Ninth in, too, unlike the Strau Moscas from the future."

The Varia all stood around admiring the replacement father-slash-Varia-cloud-guardian, not noticing Squalo lying in a steaming heap on the floor.

"I fucking hate Father's Day," Squalo groaned.

xxxxx

**Omake**

"What do you mean I was dead in the future," Mammon frowned at the thought. "If I was dead, I wouldn't have been able to trade places with my future self."

"That's where you're wrong, Viper. Tsuna was also dead, but he transferred into an empty coffin. He didn't wake up next to his corpse." Reborn chuckled sadistically at the thought.

"So his rotting carcass came to the present?" Bel asked excitedly. "Shishishi, that must have caused quite a panic."

"It would have if Shouichi's machine didn't trap his future self inside itself."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Lussuria waved his hand. "Was Boss alive and well in the future?"

Reborn nodded in the affirmative and Lussuria wilted.

"What about sun boy~?" Lussuria asked hopefully.

"Ryohei, too."

"Lanchia?"

"As far as I know."

"Trident Shamal?"

Squalo turned to the rest of the Varia with a shudder. "Vooiiii, remind me to outlive Lussuria by at least ten years. Who knows what the hell he'll do to my body if he uses the ten-year-bazooka."

xxxxx

**The End.**

xxxxx

This was supposed to be a humor fic but turned out... disturbing? O_o

xxxxx

July 13, 2009


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